Stalking exes, ogling friends’ pics… we love it. But Facebook can bring out the worst in us. These tribes make us want to unfriend
The DIY philosophers
How to spot them They’re the peeps who either post Yoda-like one-liners or essays of “thought-provoking” nonsense that actually just makes you think: “Eh?”
Sample status “Helen Keller once said: ‘When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.’ Makes you think doesn’t it?”
Why they do it They are desperate for everyone to think they are the wisest, deepest and most thoughtful person they know and by putting these comments up every day, they are secretly screaming: “See, I am sooo much more intelligent than you!”
How to deal with them Ask if they even know who Helen Keller is.
Most likely to Scroll through websites of inspiring quotes.
Least likely to Come up with a thought from their own brain.
The sympathy seekers
How to spot them They want the whole world to know about their woe-is-me misery (or just a bad day at work), complete with multiple sad-faced emoticons. All in the hope that everyone will comment: “Oh no, what’s wrong?”, “Love you ” etc.
Sample status “Feeling down. Why does bad stuff always happen to me???”
Why they do it They might have started off genuinely feeling sad, but these people feed on e-sympathy. Your nice comments make them feel powerful and loved, and that can be pretty addictive.
How to deal with them Send them a message telling them you just got back from a funeral. That should put things in perspective.
Most likely to Be feeling “a bit low”. Again.
Least likely to Actually do something about it.
The smug socialisers
How to spot them They attend 17 events a night, post photos of their “mad” weekend and friend request everyone they’ve ever met.
Sample status “Wow, what a night! Three parties, one warehouse rave and ended up in a police cell! LOL!”
Why they do it They’re desperate to succeed socially to make up for other failings. And by seeming fun and ker-azy, they feel validated. They can’t have a good time unless other people think they are.
How to deal with them Next time you see them, tell them you’ve been so busy having fun you haven’t had time for Facebook. The horror.
Most likely to RSVP to every event – whether they’re invited or not.
Least likely to Admit they’re just watching telly in a onesie on a Saturday night.
The baby bores
How to spot them They update you on Junior’s every burp, bottle and bowel movement. In detail. And refer to themselves as “Mummy”, and get “Daddy” to “Like” their post. Their baby is not the only one who wants to spew.
Sample status “After a week of constipation, Timmy’s just had his first solid-ish poo. And it was in the potty!!!”
Why they do it New parents have always found their babies as fascinating as a shirtless Ryan Gosling. And now they can share it with everyone.
How to deal with them Tell them that studies show mums who always go on Facebook have children who are 60 per cent less amazing.
Most likely to Have their baby as their profile pic.
Least likely to Realise that Facebook isn’t Mumsnet with photos.
The modesty braggers
How to spot them They’re boasting about themselves, but think adding in a self-deprecating disclaimer makes it less Samantha Brick. When in fact it just makes it all the more annoying. Whoops did I just do something brilliant?! How embarrassing! Not.
Sample status “No make-up, hair’s not done, still getting hit on. *Sigh!*”
Why they do it They know it’s not OK to just brag about their accomplishments, but they still seek other people’s approval – and this is their sneaky way around it.
How to deal with them Highlight their showing off for exactly what it is by posting the most extreme praise possible: “Congratulations! You got hit on?! By a real man?! No way!”
Most likely to Moan about jet lag from their latest exotic holiday.
Least likely to Get a one per cent pay rise without telling everyone about it.
The cryptic comment chasers
How to spot them They post deliberately mysterious updates designed purely to pique people’s interests. They’d like to think this just shows how private they are, but actually, why post it at all?
Sample status “Had the most amazing day ever with a certain someone…”
Why they do it These people are desperately seeking a comment, or four. They might feel insecure that their real life isn’t interesting enough, so have to dress it up as something it’s not.
How to deal with them Interpret their oh-so-enigmatic ramblings in a deliberately embarrassing or rude
way and post it underneath. Try: “Has the doctor finally sorted your piles out then?”
Most likely to Make a trip to the supermarket sound like a mysterious journey into the unknown.
Least likely to Admit what’s really going on in their lives (not much).
The fire starters
How to spot them The Facebook equivalent of that loose-cannon mate who always gets into fights down the pub or tells your ex exactly what they think of him. They post controversial updates for no other reason than to provoke a row. And they even jump into other people’s debates.
Sample status “Unemployed losers should all be rounded up and shot. And that Adele’s a bit fat.”
Why they do it They’re desperate for some attention or excitement in their life. This is the perfect way to make people engage with them (without kicking their head in).
How to deal with them Volunteer them for The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Most likely to Have a timeline that reads like the comments on a news website.
Least likely to Form a semi-reasonable argument.