*Might not be actual Kate Middleton or Royal Family
I’ve been looking for my Princess Charming for a raarly long time. First there was the one with too much tan (no, not Pippa, the other one) then there were a few, um, “party girls” and TV presenters and what not – but I still haven’t found true love. Wearing blue suede moccasins and doing the dutty wine in Jamaica hasn’t helped much. Will I ever find the right blonde girl? Hazza, 27, Kensington Palace
I have no idea what the dutty wine is
Well, Hazza, as my mummy always says, when you meet The One, it just happens. Love’s spontaneous like that. And by spontaneous, I mean 18 years in the planning. When my eyes first met Big Willy’s across a crowded freshers’ bar, I knew in that one moment that choosing to do the exact same course as him, at the exact same university, at the exact same time hadn’t been in vain. And after a whirlwind romance (those eight years just flew by, thank you very much), I knew he’d finally put a ring on it (well, two actually. Big ones. Ha!). I have no idea what the dutty wine is (is it to do with spicy cigarettes?), but I think you need to look beyond appearances to find your soulmate. Golden-haired party girls are all very well, but you’d do well to consider some glossy brunettes, and don’t be too quick to dismiss a commoner (after all it worked for your big bro!).
My older sister always hogs all the attention. I’ve tried everything to get a look-in, including wearing even more black kohl eyeliner than her (that’s a lot), spraying myself the colour of a Chippendale dresser and pouring myself into a figure-hugging bridesmaid’s dress. I’ve even got myself a jolly big book deal, but still no one notices me. What can I do? Philippa, 28, Bucklebury
It’s not: “What can I do?”, Philippa, but: “What can one do?”. And has it ever occurred to you that it’s not easy being the one who’s in the spotlight? Imagine never being able to put a perfectly manicured nail or a single blow-dried strand of hair out of place. I’d love to be able to go out to Bunga Bunga and show off my pants, but I can’t. Maybe I want to write a book about parties and getting hooned? But with power comes great responsibility. And by the sounds of things you’re just not ready for it, Philippa. In fact, you’re acting like you want to be on The Only Way Is Wessex or Celebrity Big Bother. In the meantime, can’t you knuckle down and get on with some flower arranging until you get married to that posh boy who owns Hogwarts? And remember that lady-in-waiting position your big sister told you about? Yeah, you might not need to wait very long.
I have this habit of putting my foot in it at every opportunity. I love my wife, but I keep on embarrassing her. We have to do a lot of public speaking and every time I open my mouth, I seem to say something offensive. How can I give up the gaffes for good? Phil, 90, Buckingham Palace
Well, Phil, even I’ve had my fair share of faux pas. I remember the time I tried to fist-bump Obama or when I discussed bikini waxes with Camilla at a state dinner. Terribly awkward! But since then I’ve learnt that the way to never offend anyone is just to be as boring as possible. Just remember to never talk to the press, never say what you really think and never go on Oprah. Look at what Fergie does and do the opposite, basically.