The time is stupid o’clock in the morning and the cast of The Only Way Is Essex aren’t half feeling the strain.
As the new A-list, they might be used to the high life (the ITV2 reality show charting the love lives, Botox and bitch fights of Loughton’s finest, has become something of a phenomenon), but today oversized, showbizzy sunglasses hide tired eyes. Extra-strong coffees are knocked back as if lives depend on it and – oh dear – we’ve already got a no-show.
Unlucky-in-love gossip column fave Lauren Goodger claims a tummy bug has left her bed bound. Although her night on the tiles, which, according to Twitter, finished just a few hours before our shoot began can’t have helped matters.
And the normally charming James ‘Arg’ Argent – wingman of the recently departed Mark Wright and one of the show’s most endearing characters – suddenly develops a diva-sized ego. He flounces out halfway through, apparently upset that he, ‘the main guy in it now Mark’s left’ isn’t going to be on our cover.
“It’s going to be damaging for my career if I’m just inside as part of a group shot,” he says.
Off he pops, refusing to return and before we’ve even had a chance to interview him, too. Ho hum.
However, once those that have managed to beat the alarm clock and hung around long enough for lift off are filled up on caffeine and croissants, they are universally lovely.
All of them throw themselves into the Pan Am-inspired shoot at full throttle and Joey Essex, bless his heart, is especially adorable. Loved-up Mario and Lucy can’t keep their hands off each other, Lydia is full of giggles and strangely doesn’t seem fussed about her boyfriend’s departure following his hissy fit, and Gemma (who we want as our new BFF) keeps warm between shots in the most snuggly cardigan we’ve ever seen.
But before they hit the runway back to Essex, we grabbed each of them for a grilling to find out whether fame has put their heads in the clouds…
Joey Essex, 21
Snog, marry or avoid these Essex girls: Chantelle Houghton Stacey Solomon, Denise Van Outen?
Who’s Denise Van Outen?
Er, she’s a TV presenter. She narrates your show!
What’s ‘narrates’?
She’s the voice-over on TOWIE.
[Looks blank] I’ve never seen her. Is she fit? Can I google her? How do you spell her name? O-U-T-E-N? [Slight pause] Ah, she’s well fit! How old is she? She’s gorgeous. Right, well I’d marry her, snog Stacey thingy and avoid Chantelle. She used to get about a bit, didn’t she?
What’s your most extravagant buy?
My black Louis Vuitton tracksuit. It cost me three grand, I’ve worn it twice and I don’t even like it. Pointless.
Any non-TOWIE celebrity friends?
What, people I’m not really friends with?
No, celebrities you’re mates with outside of TOWIE.
Oh, right. Chipmunk, Pixie Lott, Tinchy Stryder and Christine Bleakley.
Christine Bleakley?
Yeah. I became really friendly with her when I was on Daybreak all the time.
At the end of the last series, you got together with Jess. What’s
going on?
Nothing. I knocked that on the head. Every time I went to see her, she’d be with her friends and so obviously that wasn’t going to work.
Is there anyone else?
I’m not a player, but recently I’ve been seeing lots of girls. It’s fun and it’s funny, but I think I’m better off with a girlfriend.
So, what will happen in series four?
My best mate who I trust with my life is coming into it. He knows everything about me, even my pin code. He’s called James but everyone calls him Diags.
Diags? Why’s that?
Cos every time he has his picture taken, he moves his head to an angle. Like this [cocks his head to one side].
Riiight.
Lydia Bright, 21
Which character could the show easily ditch?
Ah, that’s horrible! Maybe some of the newcomers wouldn’t be as missed as some of the more established characters.
Who’s your favourite character?
My mum. She brings comedy and honesty and I think that’s really great
for the show. She loves all of this! It’s given her such a new lease of
life.
Snog, marry or avoid these Essex boys: Jamie Oliver, Russell Brand and Olly Murs?
I’d definitely marry Jamie Oliver because he’s really cute and he could cook for me every night. I’d snog Russell – I love his swagger and intelligence. Sorry Olly!
Any non-TOWIE celeb pals?
I’m good friends with Denise Van Outen and we’re doing a charity bike ride round India in March. I know other celebs, but wouldn’t really class them as friends yet.
Now Mark’s left, will things get easier between you and Arg?
Just because he’s not on the show doesn’t mean that Mark’s left Essex. James sees him every day so he’s still around! We don’t tend to argue about him any more.
Do you think you’ve turned a corner in your relationship?
Me and James will always bicker. That’s just who we are. But we can’t live without each other and for every bad time there are 100 good.
Will we see your dad in this series?
I don’t see him fitting in all that well! He’s from south London and isn’t very Essex at all. He drinks down the social club, drives a truck and works in construction. He’s happy with his life the way things are.
Are you hoping Arg’s training for the London Marathon will give him a six-pack?
I think that’s a little bit ambitious! I don’t really like a six-pack anyway. Maybe a two-pack is more realistic.
Lucy Mecklenburgh, 20
Snog, marry, avoid: Russell Brand, Olly Murs, Jamie Oliver?
Marry Jamie Oliver so he could cook for me. This is hard! I think Olly Murs is really cute, but I’ve heard bad things about him.
Like what?
He’s a ladies’ man isn’t he! So I’d avoid Olly Murs and snog Russell Brand.
What’s your most extravagant purchase?
Things like my Mulberry bag. It was my first ever designer item.
Have you got any celebrity friends who aren’t in TOWIE?
I know the McFly boys through Mario. [His sister is engaged to McFly’s Tom Fletcher.] Dougie is the cutest thing.
Has Mario forgiven you for cheating on him with Mark Wright?
Yeah. Otherwise he wouldn’t be with me. Yeah, he’s definitely forgiven me.
Are you still in touch with Mark?
No.
Are you going to miss him on the show?
No!
Do you think you and Mario can be the new power couple on TOWIE?
Yeah, I think so! Hopefully. Mario hates us being compared to Mark and Lauren. We are completely different.
Mario Falcone, 23
Which character do you think the show could ditch?
Peri, my ex. We fell out, but she’s a nice girl. There’s no hard feelings on
my part.
Who is your favourite character?
Joey Essex because he’s so funny and laid-back. He cracks me up.
Snog, marry or avoid: Chantelle Houghton, Stacey Solomon, Denise Van Outen?
Avoid Stacey cos she’s not my type. I’d snog Chantelle and I’d marry Denise.
You’re a tailor by trade, but what’s been your most extravagant purchase
since TOWIE?
I bought a white Audi Q7 last week. And a Rolex. I’ve earned about £80-100,000 since TOWIE so I’m not doing too badly.
Any non-TOWIE celebrity friends?
My sister Giovanna is engaged to Tom Fletcher from McFly so I know all those boys. I’m close to Chipmunk as well.
How are things with you and Lucy?
Really good. It’s a new year, new start. I’m not going to say I trust her 100 per cent and I definitely have good days and bad days. But we’re OK.
Are you pleased your love rival Mark has left?
I never had a problem with him. He didn’t know me and I think if I’d been in his position, I wouldn’t have given a s*** either. I’d like to think that now he’s met me, he wouldn’t do that again. It was Lucy who was in the wrong.
Were you tempted to get revenge on Mark by sleeping with his ex, Lauren Goodger?
The producers were building that up, but no. Lauren’s a really nice girl, but I don’t look at her in that way. And I wouldn’t get with someone just to hurt Lucy because I’m not malicious like that.
Are you vain?
Yeah. I care about what I look like, I like nice clothes, I go on sunbeds, I wear bronzer, I have my hair cut every 10 days and I get my eyebrows done. I go running every morning for 45 minutes, then I spend about an hour and a half in the gym every night.
What part of your bod are you proudest of?
Am I allowed to be rude here?
If you want…
Nah, I can’t! My mum will read this.
Gemma Collins, 30
What’s been your most extravagant purchase since TOWIE?
I’m a bit older than the others, so I’m more clued up and sensible with my money. I don’t have any flash handbags – I’m happy with a snide [a fake]! And I
like a bottle of Black Tower wine over champagne. I’m not rich, but I’m
comfortable for now.
Snog, marry or avoid: Jamie Oliver, Russell Brand and Olly Murs?
I’d snog Olly, marry Jamie and avoid Russell. I’ve heard Russell was a drug addict, plus he’s going through a divorce so probably not a good idea to go there.
Any non-TOWIE celebrity friends?
Meg Mathews, James Brown the hairdresser and comedian Russell Kane. I don’t get
star-struck, but if I saw Madonna I think I’d be like: ‘Oh my God! It’s Madge!’
How’s your weight battle going?
[Sighs] I lost 3st but I’ve put 2st back on. I’m never going to be a size 10, but I do want to get my diet and exercise back on track and lose weight properly. Going to boot camp and near starvation isn’t a realistic way to lose and maintain. I want to lose about 4st, but I’m definitely not having no gastric band.
Do you enjoy fame?
Oh, I don’t bowl around thinking I’m famous because that’s when it starts to go wrong. I know this could be taken away from me at any time, babe.
Lauren Pope, 29
Who from series three do you think the show will miss the least?
That’s hard! [Then instantly] Kirk [Her ex].
Snog, marry or avoid: Jamie Oliver, Russell Brand and Olly Murs?
Snog Olly because he’s really cute. Marry Russell and avoid Jamie – I’m putting comedy over food.
Any non-TOWIE celebrity friends?
Katie Price is a good friend and Nicola McLean, Nicola T and Peter Jones from Dragons’ Den.
How are things with Kirk?
OK, I thought. We spoke before he went into Celebrity Big Brother and called a truce. But then I read some not particularly nice comments in an interview, so who knows? Kirk has a lovely sweet side, but there’s a dark temper there as well.
He said that you’d been lying about your age…
I really don’t understand where that came from. I’ve always been honest – I’m 30 this September. I’ll show you my passport if you want!
You’ve recently fallen out with Maria Fowler as well.
Maria claimed all sorts of things like I’d blanked her at the series three wrap party and I don’t think there’s any way back for our friendship now. I think she was put out by the fact me and Lauren G had found this connection and become close, and she couldn’t accept it. Sometimes you just grow apart from people.
Are you seeing anyone now?
Yes, but it’s very early days, it’s not serious and he’s not in the public eye.
Jessica Wright, 26
Which character could the show ditch?
Oh God, I’m not answering that. I’ll have to say Mr Darcy, Lydia’s pet pig. Then
I won’t upset anyone.
Do you know how much you’ve earned since you’ve been on TOWIE?
No, not really. I try to keep track, but no, not really. I’ve earned quite a lot
- not extortionate amounts, but we have earned good money. My car is my most
extravagant purchase. It’s a Mercedes SLK and it was £30,000.
Snog marry avoid: Olly Murs, Russell Brand, Jamie Oliver?
I’d marry Olly Murs. Snog Russell Brand and avoid Jamie Oliver. Jamie is really nice but he’s married with kids!
What’s going on with you and Joey at the moment?
We’ve both been really busy and stuff. We’ve spoken quite a bit, but it’s really early days. It’s more friendly at the minute, but we’ve both been away, so… He’s a few years younger than me. Everyone was shocked by the kiss, but sometimes things just happen, don’t they?
Do you think that Mark could ever make a comeback?
I dunno. He might make a cameo, maybe. I’d like that. It depends what he does now, though, career-wise. It’s weird not filming with him.
Chloe Sims, 30
Who’s your favourite character?
Joey. It’s not just because he’s my baby cousin, but also because he’s absolutely
hilarious. I don’t think the show could go on without Joey now. If he left
then I think it would all be over.
Snog, marry, avoid: Russell Brand, Olly Murs, Jamie Oliver?
Avoid Jamie Oliver, because he’d make me fat. Marry Russell Brand and kiss Olly Murs.
What’s been your most extravagant purchase since TOWIE?
Louboutins. They’re cream with a thin metal heel and three straps. I got a pair for my birthday, too.
How’s your love life at the minute?
Erm – in one word, no! Nothing’s happening.
Would you like to settle down?
I’d love to get married right now. There is somebody, the love of my life… We’re not together and I’ve only spoken about him now and again because he’s moved away and I’m still in love with him and nobody has compared to him. If somebody else came along then I don’t know, but I’d like to marry him one day.
Might he come back?
I don’t think so. And I have my life here now. I’m enjoying this experience, and it’s nice because I can be independent. And my daughter [Madison, six] comes first before anybody. But who knows, I might leave the country…
Have you got any more plans for surgery?
Yes. I still want to have my bum done, and lately I’ve been more unhappy with my face. People have said that I look like Michael Jackson. Some journalist said it and as I’ve got older, I’ve got like this [points to non-existent lines between cheeks and mouth]. I don’t like it. I don’t know if you can have that bit done, but I might find out.
The TOWIE test
Q: How did the cast fare with our general knowledge quiz?
A: Not very well.
Who is the Prime Minister?
Joey Gordon Brown? No? What’s his first name? OK, David Brown? I dunno. I know the American one, though – Obama. David Obama. That’s wrong, innit?
Lucy Oh no, you’ve made me freeze! My head has gone blank. What’s his name? [Shouts to Lydia] Lydia, my head’s gone blank about the Prime Minister!
Gemma I really don’t know. We live in an Essex bubble!
When did WW2 start and end?
Joey 1970 to 1980.
Lydia About 1962 to 1964.
Jess Was it 1960… 1940… 1942? Is that right?
Chloe Not a clue.
What is 7 x 9?
Joey 70?
Lydia Umm…64. 62! Hang on, 35, 42, 49, 56…63.
Chloe Are nine times tables the ones you can count on your hands? So it’ll
be… 63. Is that right? Woohoo!
What is the capital of Spain?
Joey Malia? No, no! Tenerife.
- The new series of The Only Way Is Essex starts tomorrow, ITV2, 10pm.
