Watch out, there’s a new group of awesome women about. And X Factor champs
Little Mix have already topped the charts – complete with big hair, high-top
trainers and jazzy leggings.
And now that the talent contest is over, the gals are going to have to find
their own way in the scary music business. Things could go a whole lot more
smoothly for them if they take note of the good, the bad and the plain old
ugly things that our fave popstrels of times gone by have done.
We’ve made a list. Get studying.
DO marry a footballer
When Posh Spice tied the knot with heart-throb Man U talent David Beckham in
1999, her ascension into the A-List was guaranteed, and she became one half
of the world’s fave power couple. They released his-and-hers perfumes, and
the rest is history.
Also, look up Louise Redknapp, muffins. She was plain old Louise Nurding from
Lewisham, one quarter of not-that-ace girl band Eternal, but when she
married Jamie Redknapp she joined the WAG club (and the couple made a mint
off dodgy adverts for holidays and video games).
A whole world of footballing talent awaits you. Dive right in!
But DON’T ever marry Ashley Cole
In fact, do the opposite of Chezza and don’t even speak to Ashley Cole. Don’t
have anything to do with him. Don’t acknowledge his presence. Just say no!
DON’T get into a fight with Lily Allen (or do, but only if you can handle
it)
Lily Allen’s never been one to hold back on her opinions. After Lily branded
Nicola Roberts the “ugly one” in Girls Aloud, Chezza came back and called
Lily a “chick with a d***”.
Then Lils called Cheryl a “stupid b****” on her blog. Ouch.
And on it went for years, until Cheryl ended the war of words last October by
saying that Lily’s baby bump looked “ridiculously cute”. Bless.
Lil might be all aprons and cake tins these days, but she’s never going to be
one for holding back.
Only step up to this challenge if you can successfully and consistently use
your Twitter account as a weapon.
DO know your fans
We reckon that, apart from your a-maze singing, you won The X Factor because
you appeal to teenage girls. So don’t mess it up by doing a Daphne and
Celeste.
Back in 2000, the irritating pop pair turned up at Reading Festival. The beery
crowd were not amused (they were waiting for the likes of Rage Against The
Machine). Daphne and Celeste had bottles thrown at them – and they weren’t
just filled with water.
Sack your management if they try to book you for Download Festival.
DON’T leave the band and expect a successful pop career
Little Mixes, you probably know best of all the value of being in a group. But
tell that to Geri Halliwell, who, upon leaving the Spice Girls, promised:
“I’ll be back”. And back she was, with a load of forgettable songs such as
Look At Me. Not a patch on the Spices’ efforts.
See also: Mutya Buena. The scary one from the Sugababes had a couple of solo
songs, before getting aggy with the other ’Babes and suing them.
Last time we saw her, she was confessing to getting bum implants or something.
DO record a cover of an ’80s hit if you’re lacking inspiration
Not that you’re out of ideas yet, but do remember that ’80s hit + hot girl
band = ££££.
When Girls Aloud covered Jump (For My Love), it became an international hit,
while The Saturdays’ version of Just Can’t Get Enough is still stuck in our
heads.
Atomic Kitten’s cover of Blondie’s The Tide Is High might count as musical
sacrilege, but we challenge you not to start humming when you hear it.
Just grab an old vinyl copy of Now That’s What I Call Music! and pick at
random.
DON’T replace all the original band mates with new members… then get
replaced yourself
Observe the sad case of the Sugababes. After original members Siobhan and
Mutya jumped, Keisha found herself in a band with two replacements, Heidi
and Amelle. And when she quit, the public were left with none of the
original line-up.
Remember, band members are like earrings: non-refundable.
And if you get an exchange, the public might not want the product anymore.
DO go quietly to rehab if need be
One of you may turn out to be a bit of a caner. Or have a really bad break-up.
Take a leaf out of Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding’s book and when everything gets
a bit too much, check into rehab abroad for a while where you can deal with
your problems out of the public eye. We promise it’ll only be good for your
career.
DO work with cool artists
Madonna allegedly got well cheesed off with producer William Orbit when he
gave track Pure Shores to All Saints instead of her (you can judge whether
it’s worth the wrath). Just don’t do a Victoria Beckham and collaborate with
Dane Bowers – her musical cred never recovered.
DON’T have a career break for so long that no one remembers whether you’re
still together
Girls Aloud last released a record almost four years ago. Since then, we’ve
been (sort of) watching them with one eye. While listening to The Saturdays
(and now you, Little Mix).
Though we were originally mystified by Nadine’s flit to LA, we now don’t
really care if she comes back. Kimberley Walsh can star in Shrek to her
heart’s content while Cheryl Cole designs shoes. Comeback? More like a
reunion.
PS DON’T double denim it, a la B*witched
Oops, too late.
