1. Get out there! It’s the New Year and what better way to kick-start
2012 than with romance.
So go out – either with girlfriends or on your own. Get creative about what
you do and you’ll meet a broader range of guys. Ever been to a football
match? Give it a go and if your type is shouty, fat, bald men with a
penchant for yelling with their mouths full, then all your Christmases will
come at once.
2. If you must use internet dating, let me save you some time. Don’t
bother writing a saccharine biog, telling the guy your favourite films, top
5 albums and interests (which, let me guess, include nights in snuggling on
the sofa as well as nights out?). No one reads them.
DESPERATE. MARRY ME!’
Just post a decent, recent photo and a titbit of info and if a guy is
interest, he’ll contact you. I used the most insipid poem as a biog once and
was surprised no guys contacted me. Through all my rhyming couplets, all
they could see is “I’M DESPERATE. MARRY ME!”
3. Remember how fabulous you are. Too often, women sell themselves
short when it comes to love. You are a gorgeous being and when you start
believing it, those around you will too, including potential squeezes. In
fact, if a guy isn’t into you, just say in your head, ‘your loss’.
Scrub that, say it out loud. Better still, get a t-shirt printed.
4. Stop hanging out with your married friends all the time in the hope
it’ll rub off on you. Yes they do have a disease (called wedded
bliss) but it isn’t catching. Even if they try and introduce you to someone,
they’ve usually screw it up by blabbing their intentions to the guy, a real
turn off.
My happily coupled up friend put me in touch with one of his single mates. My
friend had told him all about me – including what a great wife and mother
I’d make! When I called, he couldn’t get off the phone quick enough. I
suddenly realised what it must be like to be a sales person doing cold
calls. “Hello, can I speak to the person responsible for your relationship?”
(4a: If I guy likes you he’ll call. Stop making excuses for them.
Men know who to use the phone. They invented it for Pete’s sake.)
5. Don’t lower your standards but be willing to adapt and compromise. If
you meet a guy who’s amazing but has a couple of kids when you’ve stipulated
no baggage, it may be worth having one date with him. This kind of
compromise can reveal sides of life that you wouldn’t have otherwise
considered. And anyway, one date’s not going to kill you… unless it’s with
Charles Manson.
(OK, 5a. Don’t date convicted mass murderers.)
6. Live your life. You’re most likely to meet someone when you’re not
looking. Tip 1 is good because it gets you meeting guys in relaxed
situations but if you’re thinking about meeting guys, sometimes they can
tell and it can be off putting so remember to carry on enjoying your life.
Contrary to the sign language lesson in Jerry McGuire, a relationship will
not complete you because you are already whole so have fun, get on with
being you with your interests, hobbies, love of shopping, dislike of Sunday
drivers, car boot sale fanaticism, weekly cinema trips, annual ice skating
and whatever else it is you do.
7. That whole thing about, “I just wanna be myself with a guy” is great but
don’t tell him your whole life story early doors. Let him wait for
the DVD. There is nothing that scares a guy more (apart from a World Cup
penalty shoot out) than a woman that goes on about kids and marriage on the
first date. By all means think it. Just don’t say it. Even if he brings it
up, don’t get drawn in. It’s a trap. He’s laying the cheese at the mouse
hole to see if you’ll nibble.
Don’t. He’s trying to flush out the desperados. If he brings it up just say,
“Kids? Which ones are they again? The little ones, right?”. I had this very
situation where, on a second date, the guy went on about marriage and what
our kids would look like and I fell for it. Never heard from him again. The
alternative, I suppose, is to get it all in writing. As soon as he starts
talking about the future whip out a marriage certificate trilling “That’s
great and if you could sign here, here and here – I’ll get some empty tin
cans, some string and a limo…”
8. Let the guy chase you. They love it. If you roll a ball in front of
a collie it’ll look at you like you’re an idiot. But if you hurl that ball
as far as you can, old Shep will run like his life depends on it. Give the
guy the space to show you how he feels. Women sometimes push relationships
forward prematurely regardless of what the guy wants because it’s what they
want. Letting the guy move things along shows you he’s keen on you and makes
him do the legwork. Let Shep chase you, after all, you are fabulous (see 3).
Manson’
9. Read a dating book. Like it or not, as much as woman have managed to
secure all kinds of freedoms and equalities, successful dating remains
pretty traditional and these books will explain why. For example, it wasn’t
until I read such titles as He’s Just Not That Into You that I had the
epiphany about first date sex.
Think back over your relationship history. Of the ones that have lead to
something meaningful, how many involved a one night stand? Nine times out of
ten you wake up wanting to chew your own arm off to get away.
In fact that’s what 127 Hours should have been about, waking up next to an
undesirable then cutting your own arm off with a blunt pen knife to escape.
10. There are some unpalatable home truths you’ll read in relationship
books. And you’ll want to disagree with some of their wisdom because you
know someone or you yourself found love despite their advice. i.e. you know
a women who stayed in, hounded a guy on line, who had 12 kids but found time
to came round to her house and make love to her on the first date and now
their happily married. Great, but remember, she’s an exception (and a weird
one at that). Following advice or dating tips you trust (you know, like
mine) mean you won’t waste your time or the guys time and you’ll get the
amazing relationship you deserve. Why?
Because as Cheryl Cole says, you’re worth it!
- Andi plays her show All the Single Ladies at the Soho Theatre on 18th January
for 4 nights. For tickets, visit Sohotheatre.com
