* Why gnus? Cos they’re our fave animal! Listen, we’ll call our awards what we
1 The St Tropez Award For Services To The Colour Mahogany: The entire TOWIE
Come on now, who else could win this one? At least this lot aren’t using
sunbeds. What’s that you say? They use sunbeds as well?
2 Catchphrase Of The Year Award: Alexandra Burke on The X Factor
Alex Burke popped up to cover Kelly for one week only, was well rude to Louis
Walsh, and lodged the phrase: “OK.com” into our brains. Forever. Well done,
3 Award For The Joint Promotion Of Millinery and Toilet Seats: Princess
Beatrice at the Royal Wedding
Hats and loo seats don’t normally go together but, Princess Bea, you did it.
4 The Che Guevara Award For Revolutionary Communism: Francis Boulle from
Made In Chelsea
Who better than a diamond heir to smash down class divides? Best quote:
“Capitalism makes you beautiful”. Cry.
5 Celebrity Most In Need Of Anger Management Classes: The Situation from
Headbutting a wall so hard you need to wear a neck brace for the next 10,000
episodes of the Shore? Mike, ease up on the “energy drinks.”
6 Most Unnoticed Comeback Award: Big Brother
Er, what? We thought it finished last year?
7 Z-List Reinvention Of The Year: Jodie Marsh
Three letters: W. T. F?
8 Biggest Cat Fight Of The Year: Sam and Lauren on The Only Way Is Essex
The Sam V. Lauren row in summary: Uses of the word “mug”: four. Uses of
“shuuutup”: about 100. This “set-up” fight looked pretty real. And we loved
9 Award For The Advancement Of Franco-British Integration: The Apprentice’s
Suze, thinking aloud on The Apprentice is risky. “Do the French go camping?”
and: “Are the French fond of their children?” are stupid things to ask.
10 Most Unrealistic Period Drama: Pan Am
We wish we could be a Pan Am girl. Jetting off to Paris, stabbing passengers
with forks, doing CIA stuff. With perfect make-up! This wasn’t a
disappointing rip-off of Mad Men. Oh, wait…
11 Sexiest Scientist Of The Year Award: Professor Brian Cox from Wonders Of
Pipping Patrick Moore to the post is Lancashire lovely Professor Brian Cox.
Never have particles been so fascinating.
12 Worst Caner Of The Year Award: Frankie Cocozza from The X Factor
Come on now, if you’re gonna do a lame Pete Doherty on us then at least try
and stay out of clubs like Oceana. Kids these days.
13 The It-Shouldn’t-Work-But-It-Does Award: The One Show
It’s Monday night and you find yourself watching Alex Jones and Matt Baker
discussing teapots. With Pat Sharp. And it’s all, somehow, riveting.
14 Best Animal In A Documentary: (apart from a gnu, obvs) the penguins from
These slippery critters made the nation’s heart do somersaults. Can we have
one for Christmas?
15 TV Wedding Of The Year: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
See ya, Kate ’n’ Wills. There’s a new golden couple in town and… oh, no.
Kate! Wills! Come back!