Run for the hills, ring the alarms, kick your neighbours awake… my wife is
in our bedroom showing her bottom to another man!
More worrying still, I seem to be doing absolutely nothing about this.
“What the hell’s going on? Get up there and do something! Anything!” says my
dog (with a worried look and whimper rather than actual woofy words).
“Meh, whatever,” I reply.
My indifference is down to the fact that this is no ordinary gentleman looking
at my wife’s bottom. No, Mrs Lee is in her pants, trying on an array of
outfits in front of a 6ft 4in, 240lb Care Bear masquerading as a 28-year-old
man named Robert. Her GBF.
What’s a GBF, I hear you ask. It’s her soulmate, her gay best friend. Carrie
Bradshaw has Stanford Blatch, Liz Hurley has Elton John and Katie Price has
a whole ‘gay mafia’ of homosexual buds including make-up artist Gary
Cockerill… and Mrs Lee has Robert.
Rob can do things for her that I can’t even attempt. Like watch One Born Every
Minute without being sick. He can coo over shoes with a straight face and
actual, real enthusiasm. He’s different to her female friends, yet still has
an opinion on Justin Bieber’s hair.
These are just some of the reasons why there’s plenty of room for a GBF in any
relationship. Menfolk, don’t fear GBFs; instead, embrace them. Love them!
(Not literally – that causes other, major, relationship problems…)
An example of why men like Rob are amazing? Well, as Mrs Lee is upstairs
trying on something hideous, he’s telling her: “You look like you ran into
Primark blindfolded, covered in glue.”
His words are more cutting than I could ever attempt, yet she doesn’t mind.
She’s got that honest, male opinion.
In my pre-GBF days, I had to handle questions like: “Can you see my muffin
top?” even though I had no idea what a muffin top was (some kind of hat?).
Wrong answers led to rows, tears, things thrown at my head. I was clueless.
In my world, men smoke pipes, build sheds, and don’t do on-demand fashion
Now Rob takes all that pressure away from me… and he enjoys it.
No surprise, then, that GBFs have become so trendy Miley Cyrus once admitted
she’d rather go for dinner with hers than her boyfriend. Kelly Osbourne,
meanwhile, is thought to be considering a baby with her GBF, Nate.
Sure, I can feel a bit pushed out of the relationship by our ‘Nate’. Just
because I moan about being dragged to the cinema to watch romcom mush, it
doesn’t mean I’d rather Rob went instead.
And there have been some moments of paranoia in which I’ve accused Rob of
actually being a sneaky straight man who’s trying to steal my wife.
But the pros outweigh the cons, so much so I’m now thinking perhaps I need a
GBF of my own – a no-strings lesbian chum to share my life with!
We’d sit and watch Rocky movies together, spend weekends drinking real ale,
fishing and eating Yorkies in our pants.
So, if anyone knows a lesbian who may be interested in forming such a
friendship, get in touch. Seriously. Please get in touch!
PHOTOGRAPHY: CAMERA PRESS, REX FEATURES