When Prince Harry suggested to long-term girlfriend Chelsy Davy that they take
a “gap year” from one another to save their relationship, we shook our heads
in disbelief.
With South African Chelsy, 24, homesick for Cape Town, adamant she would never
become a royal, poor Harry, 25, was so desperate to save their six-year
romance, he offered her a year apart so they could both pursue their
respective goals: Chelsy, her legal career, and Harry, his helicopter pilot
training. Then they would get back together and live happily ever after.
“Yeah right,” we thought cynically. “Another couple bites the dust. A love gap
year? Wishful thinking Hazza, old chum.” But it turns out Harry may have
been on to something. Taking time out to allow both parties to pursue their
ambitions and goals, far from signalling the end of a relationship, can
actually save and strengthen it.
According to relationship psychologist Donna Dawson, love gap years are not to
be scoffed at. “Normally, when a couple splits it’s for negative reasons
such as infidelity or boredom, and this negativity means their chances of a
reconciliation are very small,” she says.
“But when the split is based on a positive reason – allowing each person to
fulfil their dreams – the relationship stands a much better chance of not
only being revived, but also being enhanced.”
But can this really be a positive decision, or is it simply an opportunity for
one of you to play the field guilt-free? Not at all, provided the decision
is a mutual one, says Donna. “If the split is something both partners want
and they both see the potential advantages, it can be a mutually beneficial
agreement and very positive for a relationship. Neither partner has had to
compromise their ambition or give up their dream, which could lead to
resentment. Instead, they’ve chosen to do something good for one another.”
I’d just found this great man and now he was leaving]]>
And with the economy so gloomy and jobs so scarce, Donna predicts that more
and more couples will be turning to temporary separations. “If they want to
get ahead, many people are going to have to prioritise their careers over
their relationships, albeit on a short-term basis,” she says.
One couple who faced the dilemma of career versus relationship was Laura
Hydari and Sean Leonard. They met in Zante, Greece, in spring 2009, while
she was on a girlie holiday and Sean, 22, was working in a bar. Laura, a
22-year-old professional dancer from north London, was smitten.
“Within minutes of meeting Sean, I hoped this wouldn’t be just a holiday
romance. I waited for him every night after his bar shift finished and we
spent hours talking until the sun came up,” she says. “He was gorgeous, but
we didn’t kiss until the night before I flew home – I didn’t want it to just
be about physical attraction. And when we did finally kiss, it was
incredible.”
A few weeks after Laura returned home, Sean’s job ended and when he flew into
Heathrow airport, she was there to greet him. Over the next few months they
spent every weekend together, at her flat in London or his in Kent. “We
waited almost four months before sleeping with each other, and it was worth
the wait,” says Laura.
Then the next day, Sean dropped a bombshell. He’d been offered a year’s
contract working in Greece and had accepted the job. “At first I was furious
and felt like a fool. Then my anger turned to tears. I’d just found this man
and now he was leaving,” says Laura.
While many couples would have opted for a long-distance relationship, Sean and
Laura decided to take a break for the year he was away. When he returned to
the UK, they would see if they could be together again.
“I realised that in the past few months we had become very intense, very
quickly,” admits Laura. “We were both ambitious, so rather than try to have
a long-distance relationship, we both made the decision to focus on our
careers and our own lives for a while.”
According to Donna, this was a wise decision. “Long-distance relationships can
be problematic. They’re full of highs when you see each other, and lows when
you’re apart again. It’s hard to keep riding that emotional roller coaster,”
she says. “They invite feelings of guilt and paranoia about what the other
person is up to, and if you’re always checking up on each other you can feel
harassed and unable to focus on your own life.”
Sean and Laura agreed that they could see other people during their gap year
and said their goodbyes. “I broke down in tears as he drove off to the
airport,” says Laura. “I kept wondering whether it was a huge mistake
pressing the pause button on the best thing that had ever happened to both
of us, or whether it would be the making of us. A year is such a long time
and anything could happen. But Sean was determined to follow his dream of
working abroad and I didn’t want to hold him back.”
At first, Sean and Laura stayed in touch by email and Facebook, but when Sean
confessed to a couple of one-night stands, Laura decided they had to go cold
turkey. “I knew we could see other people, but the reality of hearing about
it was devastating. I told him I wanted a total break, with no contact, so I
could get on with my life and follow my dream like he was doing.”
Laura threw herself into her career, lining up auditions, joining a band and
changing her image from a grungy surf chick to sophisticated fashionista. “I
felt fantastic and it was liberating being able to focus on me and my
dreams,” she says. “I went on a few casual dates in the first seven months,
but when I met Paul*, 22, at a dance casting, it was the first time I’d felt
chemistry with someone else.
“I’d been missing sex and intimacy so we had a brief relationship, but soon
all I could think about was Sean. I realised I was happy by myself and
didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t measure up to him. So I ended it
with Paul.”
As soon as I saw him again I felt exactly the same]]>
Then, in April this year, Sean emailed announcing that he was coming back to
the UK as soon as his job ended – and he couldn’t wait to see her. “I’d
played out the moment of seeing him again a million times – a romantic meal
with me in a beautiful dress and heels. But when he surprised me at home,
with me in my pyjamas, I didn’t care,” says Laura. “As soon as I saw him, I
felt exactly the same – he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with. In fact, the time apart had made me even more sure of that.”
Now working as a security guard for a nightclub, Sean has vowed he won’t go
away again and Laura says their love gap has only strengthened their
relationship. “Taking time out gave me the chance to grow up and made me
realise how special Laura is,” Sean says. “The other girls I met were
nothing like her. I was very worried she’d be snapped up by another guy, so
I’m really happy we’re back together.”
Laura agrees. “We both fulfilled our ambitions. If we hadn’t we could have
ended up feeling frustrated and resentful of one another. We might have even
split up for good,” she says. “Instead, we’re happier and stronger than
ever.”
So, Harry and Chelsy fans, we think you’d better start looking for a hat!
Jude Law, 37, & Sienna Miller, 28
When Jude cheated on Sienna with his kids’ nanny in 2005, Sienna dumped him.
She gave him a second chance, but called it off again soon after. Time apart
clearly made them realise how they felt about each other as they reunited
this year – and are rumoured to be marrying.
Leonardo DiCaprio, 35, & Bar Refaeli, 25
Leo and Bar have been dating for nearly five years, but in June 2009, they
took a six-month break. “I needed it,” Bar said later. “I came to understand
a lot of things about myself. I worked on myself and I grew up.” By
December, they were together again.
Prince William, 28, & Kate Middleton, 28
Kate met her prince at uni in 2001. All was rosy for the next few years until
the public attention and William moving from London to Dorset led them to
split in 2007. But they stayed in touch and only a few months later they
were back together again.
Pink, 30, & Carey Hart, 35
Singer Pink married her long-term love, motocross racer Carey, in 2006. Their
relationship was always volatile – they split up several times before the
wedding. Then in 2008, they called their marriage a day, only to reunite a
year later to “rebuild” their relationship.
* NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED ADDITIONAL
REPORTING: RUTH KELLY PHOTOGRAPHY: SYRIOL JONES, REX, BARCROFT MEDIA,
XPOSURE, ALPHA, CORBIS, GETTY HAIR & MAKE-UP: SARA BOWDEN STYLING: LUCIE
CLIFFORD SEAN WEARS: SHIRT, NEW LOOK; JEANS, MANGO LAURA WEARS: DRESS,
OLI.CO.UK
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