Q: Eight months ago my boyfriend got back in touch with his cousin who he
hasn’t seen for a few years, and now he constantly texts and phones her.
When we’re in bed, as soon as we’ve finished making love he’ll text her.
Once, he even answered a call from her mid romp! This sounds weird, but does
he fancy her? Gemma, by email
Toxic: I don’t know if your man fancies his cousin, but people have
fallen for flesh and blood before, and in some cultures it’s perfectly
normal. What I know, however, is this: 1. When a man fancies the woman he’s
getting jiggy with, it takes more than a ringtone to pull him off her (think
wild horses or nuclear-powered submarine). 2. When a man texts someone
immediately after ejaculation it means he feels guilty about what he’s just
done and wants to escape the situation. Conclusion? Who cares if your man
fancies his cousin? He doesn’t fancy you. Get rid of him, and move on.
Tantric: Wait, your man picks up his phone and talks to another woman
during sex? Is your erotic routine that dull? Maybe you need to try some new
moves, because that is a serious red flag. I have no idea if your man
fancies his cousin, but I do know that his behaviour is disrespectful. Tell
him that your nether regions are like an airplane: phones stay off for the
entire journey, and you can’t text anyone during the cuddling period
afterwards. If he continues to use his fingers to press any buttons but
yours in intimate moments, you clearly aren’t his priority. Dump him.
Q: I’m 17 years old and I’ve been with my guy for three months. I think I’m
ready to have sex, but then other times I don’t. I think fear is stopping
me. Please help! Jenny, by email
Toxic: Would you leave the house with your jeans undone? Of course you
wouldn’t. Why? Because you wouldn’t be ready. I have left home with my fly
down. Why? I was late, so I was under pressure. And under pressure people do
stupid things – like throwing away their virginity. Steer clear of your
bloke’s love sabre until you’re certain you’re ready. And if he dumps you
for being a freak? He’s a loser you’re better off without.
Tantric: If you’re not sure, you’re not ready. Losing your virginity
can be stressful. It’s not like in the movies! Anxiety is normal, but the
tingling you feel should be the below-the-belt kind, not the
knots-in-your-stomach kind. Ask yourself: is your man a nice guy, and can
you trust him? If you decide to go ahead, remember: 1) Use condoms and 2)
Don’t film anything. Relationships come and go; YouTube videos live forever.
The Toxic Guide to: The
World Cup
The Toxic Bachelor takes you on a journey into men’s minds. But be warned,
it ain’t pretty…
The 2010 World Cup is almost upon us and the men of Britain are preparing to
descend into a world of Kaká, Puyol and Schweinsteiger. Footballers, in case
you hadn’t guessed. For the next month they’ll monopolise men’s
concentration, dominate our conversation and your eyes have glazed over.
It’s just more football, right? Wrong. It’s the World Cup, which is the
football equivalent of every department store on the planet holding a sale.
OMG! Time to party. Agreed. But unlike regular football, which we use to
escape from you, the World Cup is a party we want you to attend. Why?
Because this isn’t about clubs, it’s about countries. Which means there are
no factions – everyone in the pub shares the same dream. So embrace the fun.
Buy a tight national strip (there’s nothing sexier), paint flags on your
cheeks and prepare to spend the next month screaming, shouting and shedding
tears. But don’t get too into it. Come August, football becomes men-only
again.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION:
SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR AT FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET
THEY CAN’T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
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