Have I been his rebound fling?
Q: Six months ago, I split with a guy who I’d started seeing after he’d
come out of a long-term relationship. We split because he needed space, but
we stayed in touch by text and later hooked up for one night. I asked if I
was the ‘rebound girl’ – he said I wasn’t, but now he’s seeing someone else.
Did I waste my time? Name withheld
Toxic: He lied. You were a rebound girl (he just told you different to
sleep with you again). But it doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your time. In fact,
you’ve learned a lot. You’ve discovered men will tell whatever story is
necessary to get their end away. You’ve found out that relationships with
men who’ve just come out of long-term romances aren’t likely to go anywhere.
You’ve learned keeping in touch with someone who dumped you will lead to a
‘for old time’s sake’ fumble you’ll regret. And you’ve experienced how it
feels to be cast aside by someone you think you might love. Lesson over. Now
find a new study partner.
Tantric: He’s not The One if he’s with someone else. Look at it this
way: to get to The One, we have to go through the sometimes painful process
of dating. Most of our relationships start off great then, for one reason or
another, fizzle out. This isn’t cynical, it’s realistic, and makes you
realise that each failed fling just brings you closer to Mr Right. You could
obsess over why this one ended, or just file it under ‘not meant to be’. Oh,
and you didn’t waste your time. You learned that ‘I need space’ should be
treated as a break-up, because it means he doesn’t want to commit to you.
You deserve better!
Q: I’ve been talking to an old friend on Facebook. He told me he’s bisexual
and propositioned me. I’m straight so turned him down. Later he claimed he’s
straight but confused. How can I help but not offend him? Craig, by email
Toxic: Deal with this as you would if a female friend came on to you –
by being honest. You’re flattered, but you don’t fancy him – he’s a mate.
And deal with his sexuality issues by being said mate. What if he tries to
touch your todger? He won’t. But to ease your mind, meet in public and steer
clear of alcohol. Talking will help him no end, and the meeting will end.
And when it does, you can get that drink. You’ll certainly need it.
Tantric: Think how you’d feel if you had a crush on a girlie mate. One
night, you lunged at her and she brushed you off. You’d feel humiliated,
right? And it may take time to get back to your ‘buddy’ routine. You can’t
help him with his feelings when he wants to help you into bed. So you have
three options: you can ignore the situation, talk to him about his feelings,
or stop hanging out until he finds a significant other. Which he will do
The Toxic Guide to: The perfect woman
The Toxic Bachelor takes you on a journey into men’s minds. But be warned,
it ain’t pretty
Some men like tall girls, some like small girls, some like brown hair, some
like blonde. All men like different girls, which means there’s no such thing
as the perfect woman. What to aim for now, hey? Well, while there’s no
all-encompassing model, every man’s ‘perfect’ girl is built upon certain
foundations. Which are:
1) Body consciousness: this doesn’t mean slim to size zero, just the odd trip
to the gym.
2) GSOH: we’re men, we poke fun – show the other cheek or we’ll show you the
3) Self-confidence: nothing’s less attractive than a girl trying to be someone
4) Mate approval – to woo a man you have to woo his friends first.
5) Acceptance – mainly of the fact we’ll never call you ‘perfect’. This is
because if you’re blemish-free and we split, whose fault is it? Bingo! Ours.
So we feel pressured and go on the offensive. We put you down. Yes, it’s
immature, but if we take the mick yet choose to stick, congratulations:
you’ve got to be per-er-er-errrr-fect.
photography: lancton illustration: spencer wilson stuart is regulars editor at
fhm tantric and toxic regret they can’t answer emails personally