Q: I’ve just ended a two-year relationship and have now met a guy at
college. We both want a friends-with-benefits relationship, but I’m worried
he’ll tell everyone at college about it. I don’t want to look easy – what
should I do? Rebecca, by email
Toxic: Ooh, Rebecca had sex. Rebecca had sex. Or did she? I can’t
remember, because I have more important things to worry about than whether
some girl at college slept with some guy. In other words, get over yourself.
No one really cares about your sex life but you and the guy you’re doing it
with, so as long as you don’t get caught pleasuring the entire rugby team or
dogging in the car park, you aren’t going to get viewed as cheap or easy.
Yes, think seriously before sleeping with a guy you’ve just met (especially
since you’ve clearly only had one sexual partner). But you’re old enough to
have sex, so if you want to have sex, follow the Nike motto and just do it!
Tantric: You’re not easy, you’re practical! But I do think you should
consider a different shag buddy. A guy has to be a “friend” to get the
benefits, and someone you can’t trust to respect your privacy doesn’t
qualify. When you do find someone to be your bonk buddy, keep it simple.
Practise safe sex, don’t see him more often than about once a week and
whatever you do, do not film yourselves naked. If you want to keep it
casual, be clear about that and insist on discretion. If dinner starts
coming on a public table instead of out of a takeaway container, it’s a
date, not a booty call. And remember, even if he tells the whole college,
you can always deny it.
Q: I’m 31 and when I suggested to my boyfriend of a year that we move in
together, he said he wasn’t ready. Does he like me or am I wasting my time? Patsy,
Toxic: I’m sensing you’re not the most laid-back lady, but stop
panicking. A) It’s perfectly plausible that your man likes you, but isn’t
ready to cohabit. B) You’re 31, not 51 – time is still on your side. C) It’s
been one year, not six. Look at the bigger picture. You’re a 31-year-old
woman in a relationship with a man you love. Which puts you miles ahead of
many people around your age (including me) and way ahead of where you’ll be
if you pressurise him into dumping you.
Tantric: In man-speak, “not ready” can mean anything from “not this year” to
“when hell freezes over”. You can’t drag a man kicking and screaming into
living with you, so talk to him again. If he thinks you’re The One, he won’t
be worried about discussing the future. If he avoids the issue, though, he
could be keeping his options open. I’d take the hint and find someone who
doesn’t think a spare toothbrush is a major commitment.
THE TOXIC GUIDE TO: REALITY TV
The Toxic Bachelor takes you on a journey into men’s minds. But be warned,
it ain’t pretty…
I have better things to do than watch reality TV. Which is why I couldn’t
possibly tell you I love Simon Cowell and thought Ali Bastian looked hot in
sequins. My point? Despite our protests, men watch, follow, and secretly
quite like reality TV. Single men watch it because it gives them
conversation starters (exhibit A: the guys down your local talking kangaroo
bits), while attached men appreciate it because it gives them a reason to
stare at Cheryl Cole. So why do we pretend otherwise? Well, ‘reluctantly’
watching it gives us a bargaining chip to redeem at a later, more useful,
date. Plus, while men have come a long way in the 21st century, if you think
we’re ready to publicise our love for glorified karaoke or ballroom dancing,
Email your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION:
SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET
THEY CAN’T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY