Q: I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for two years. Everything is going well
except recently he’s stopped French kissing me. He says it’s nothing against
me, he just doesn’t really like it. I’m upset because I think it’s one of
the nicest ways to be intimate. Is he going off me? Alice, by email
Toxic: If it had been two weeks, I’d have slated your technique. But
two years?! Blimey. The good news is, unless other things are changing,
there’s no evidence he’s going off you. The bad news is he’s developed a
mental issue with getting his mouth near yours. Why? Maybe a colleague
called him ‘death breath’. I don’t know. But I do know that if you want to
reinstate the tonsil hockey, you have to go into praise overdrive. You don’t
miss French kissing. You miss French kissing him. Because he is the best
kisser ever. Lay it on thick and you’ll massage his ego. Massage his ego and
he’ll tickle your tongue.
Tantric: There’s a reason why a lot of prostitutes do “everything but”
kissing. It’s one of the most intimate things you can do together. Chances
are your man isn’t thinking of someone else – he’s just gotten lazy. A lot
of guys kiss in order to get laid. But once they achieve their goal, they
forget all about foreplay. But when women stop getting kissed, we stop
wanting to get into bed. So there’s an easy way to fix this: stop having
sex. Once you tell him that penetration is off the menu until sucking face
makes a comeback, he should re-evaluate his seduction technique. Hopefully,
you’ll be making out like teenagers in no time.
Q: My sleazy boss (who owns the company) keeps trying to flirt with me. I’m
worried about the Christmas party. What if he makes a pass at me? I don’t
want to lose my job. Lisa, by email
Toxic: Play him at his own game. Just kidding! This is about safety in
numbers. Make sure someone else is always present – if you have a witness,
CEO Sleazebag has a tribunal on his wandering hands. Ask female colleagues
to keep an eye on you – it’s likely they’re dreading his beer-fuelled
booty-pinching too. But in the long-term you have a choice: keep smiling or
cry harassment. It’s your call, but remember, you’re an employee not a lap
dancer.
Tantric: Don’t you wish Hallmark made a sexual harassment greeting card
for these special moments? No matter how tempting the open bar gets, stay
sober. The more hammered you are, the more he’ll take advantage. Then leave
early and shake his hand. If it wanders, say: “You’re my boss. Let’s keep
things between us strictly professional. If you don’t knock it off, I’ll hit
you with a lawsuit so fast, your head will spin. Merry Christmas!”
The Toxic Guide to: Proposing
The Toxic Bachelor takes you on a journey into men’s minds. But be warned
it ain’t pretty…
Jess has tied the knot. Lisa’s engaged. Wendy’s waltzing up the aisle. My
point? Don’t buy the blank looks – men know your mates’ marital status. And
we know if you’re itching to join them. So if we haven’t asked, it’s because
we don’t believe in marriage, we aren’t capable of supporting you, or none
of our mates have done the deed yet. It means we aren’t ready for the
hitched-up highway, a rocky road with two exits: death and divorce. Yep,
that’s how men view marriage. When we do pop the question – women must never
ask – we do it believing we’ll be together forever, and we won’t sleep
before getting down on one knee. Proposing’s petrifying, but it’s a moment
when even the most macho man tries a little tenderness. So if your partner
does it in his football team’s centre circle, be warned – his priorities
read: United. Kids. Wife. In. That. Order.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION:
SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET
THEY CAN’T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
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